Hey, Mr Grinch – I see you! As we get older, we not only learn The Secret about Christmas, we also learn that sometimes, it kind of sucks. Obviously, the tinsel, the chocolate and the gifts don’t suck. But the magic of Christmas changes. We learn that Father Christmas no longer exists – thanks to our nosey, detective selves that caught our parents in the act of putting out the gifts. We learn that there is, in fact, a limit to the number of cookies you can eat before you wear every bite. We also learn that Christmas is expensive!

It used to be a time of proper magic; a man dressed in the softest suit had received our letter and was bringing us all that we had dreamed. There were parties with happy grown-ups and candy and pretty trees and so.much.magic we may well have vomited. Christmas as a child? Totally perfect. Christmas as a grown-up? Well, you certainly now understand why parents get snappy during the festive season!

Every now and then, we need a little kick up the behind with some words of wisdom. At this time of year, we make a conscious effort to see the people that we love, to eat as much as we possibly can, to buy everything in shops (despite them only being closed for 12 hours over Christmas Day) and we buy all the presents that we can find. It’s stressful, isn’t it? Despite all the things that people say about spreading peace, love and joy, Christmas is a stressy time for all in some way or another. Even though we have 365 days to get ready for the Big Day, we all still like to leave the Christmas preparation until the very last second and then wonder why we feel stressed about it! Aren’t we smart?!

Nobody is perfect, and the group tension over the Christmas break puts people in volatile situations where they think it’s a good idea to get together and talk about their issues: family arguments are a thing over Christmas, right? What we need is fun. We need mince pies and ugly Christmas sweaters and the ability to laugh at something instead of feeling abject tension and misery. Christmas is about magic. It’s about tinsel and baubles and watching the faces of children light up when they see how far you – sorry, Santa – has drained his wallet. It’s all about taking in the atmosphere and forgetting the sadness for a while.

When you’re being hounded by family members about who sits where during the Christmas lunch because your Dad and your Mom are no longer together and are at war, or when people in the stores selling the Christmas lights are less than festive, hitting them with a little cheer is the way to go. Just because other people want to be Scrooge’d up this season, doesn’t mean that you have to be.

So, in a big effort to counteract any negative feelings, stress and tension, the best thing that anyone can do is read some of the funny Christmas quotes below. Memes are gold, but quotes? Quotes are remembered forever and everyone will have a memory that pertains to a Christmas giggle. There’s nothing like a little humour to take the edge off the in-laws visiting, is there? Have a read – I dare you to keep a straight face!

1. “Let’s see if I have this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no obvious source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money!? – Tom Armstrong.

2. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz

3. If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight!

4. My Christmas wish for you is simple this year: with all the food you’re going to consume over three days, I hope your digestive system can handle it like a champ!

5. “Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.” – Dave Barry

6. Christmas: The only time of the year where you can sit in front of a dead, beautifully decorated tree and eat candy out of socks and it’s totally acceptable.

7. “The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.” – John Leo

8. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

9. “My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Les Dawson, Jr.

10. ‘The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.’ – Jay Leno

11. “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Author Unknown

12. Dear Santa, This year, please give me a fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.

13. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

14. “There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” ~ P.J. O’Rourke

15. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red!”



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Andrew Palmer
Andrew is the founder of Elegant Marketplace.